Tomorrow I put my baby girl in preschool. I can't lie...it's hard. While I know that it's a step that we each take in being parents, it still cuts me deep knowing that my first born is entering a new stage of her life,
preschool.
Avery is my soul, my life, my every breath. Everything that she has done I haven't taken lightly, as every parent knows with their child. She is so special to me. So close to my heart; my buddy if you will. I feel so blessed that God has given me the ability to be home with her for 4 years as a stay at home Mom. I never planned on this path for my life. In fact, I planned on being home for the first few weeks that she was born & then going back into the Marketing field which I loved so much. Unfortunately, my world took a turn when I was 5 months pregnant with her and the day I found out that she was a girl, I got laid off my job. The economy was bad at that time in 2009 & back then what seemed like death really breathed life into my soul....
The day I got laid off was like a death to me. I couldn't believe that I was 5 months pregnant & without a dream job that I loved. I got recruited into the job from some wonderful people and knew there was no hope for me to find something as good as what I had outside of the wonderful company that I was at. I just felt hopeless. I cried for weeks while drawing unemployment feeling hopeless for my future, all while being pregnant wondering what was next for me and my family with this new baby.
{Life kind of seemed unfair. I can't lie. Eight months prior I miscarried and eventually had to have a D&C on the 3rd floor that was later the exact same floor that I delivered Avery on- ironic.}
God had bigger and better plans for me and my husband. I drew unemployment until I realized that working in an office job just wasn't what God called me to do, and realized that currently my job was to be a Mommy. I had Avery in June that year & "rolled with the punches" if you will. It was something very devestating to me being a new Mother, doing a job full time that I never had "planned" to do. I had no clue where I was going to be 6 weeks after having her because in my typical mindset before I got laid off, I continued to think that I was going to go back to work on an office. Several months went by... 6 months, and then 9 months. Two years eventually went by and then 3 years went by. I don't think it was until she was 3 that I realized that God
"called me to be a Mommy".
I entered my ladies Bible Study class and started a Beth Moore Study. I could go on for days about the wonderful things I learned but through these classes, encouragement, being with myself daily, and in God's word.. it was in this time that I realized that God WANTED me to be a stay at home Mom. I found a peace with myself, who I was & how there is a simple beauty & fulfillment in being a Mom, and just that. At times I found myself drifting into the mindset that I was nothing because I wasn't getting up, getting dressed, showered, & driving into an office and fulfilling something that was so stressful at "work". I found beauty in the fact that being home, being in my jammies, playing with my child all day and making breakfast was just as fulfilling as being in an office and "working". This was my job. I had to make peace with it.
... I think every woman, whether you work in an office or work at home is a jewel. God calls us each to be somewhere, but it doesn't make us any less of a person or wife or mother even- to be in our calling of work. We each do the same whether we are away from the home, or with our children. Regardless your child feels your love whether you are with them 24 hours a day, or even just 6 hours a day. For me personally I HAD to find peace with being a full time, a Mother 24 hours a day, and found a joy in this career just as I did as a full time worker in the Marketing career. Either job, I found content. And for me, God called me to stay home with Avery.
During this time I know He had plans for my life. I have so graciously found time for Him, looked for Him more in situations I could have ignored Him in with other things distracting me, and He has given me the gift of "time" to go into Bible studies with other woman to reach for Him where as I don't think personally I could have otherwise. I am such a busy body that I think He truly needed me to slow down and think about who He really is! I think God knows our hearts and for MY life, He knew that I needed this in order to fix things and to fix who I am. I am so humbled by the gift of time that he has give into my life and now see the perfect picture that He painted for me to finally seek Him. It took a few years but I get it now.
I am human & as we all are, have so many things to work on. But after 4 year of being home and now putting my daughter into Preschool, I finally realize that perfect picture that He is in the process of still painting for my life. We have so many bad days where I cry in the bathroom alone. We have days where I just want to sit still and wish so badly that I was alone but in an office with a bunch of fun people to giggle with to get me through my day. We have days where we just do nothing and days where we do everything... but it doesn't make life perfect. It just makes us being life- whether we are here or there doing something or not. We are just us, being us- living "life".
I am happy. Now trying to have another baby to complete our family & praising God for our sweet Avery who is entering a new stage of her life. I hope you will continue to follow our journey and know that I am real, and want love and happiness for everyone. I hope everyone finds that in everything they do whether big or small, working or not, home all day, or working in schools, traveling, having 8 children, adopting, being a single parent, a widow, or just trying to have a child or find that dream job. I hope you find peace in your life in being patient and eventually seeking out what God calls for you in your life.
He is good. Be patient & wait... good thing are to come! =)
